What has been crazy these past few days, though, has been the coincidence surrounding everything.  A small example would be the decision that Eli and I made to purchase new phones.  Money is really tight around here, and buying something like a new cell phone is a big decision.  However, I got bitten by the BlackBerry bug in a big way.. spending more time online, twitter, school, and the like have made the idea of a BB seem appealing.  As soon as I threw it out into the universe that I wanted one, everywhere I looked I got answers.  I saw commercials, of course.  Customers at work seemed to all be walking up to me with their devices in hand.  Then I logged on to my cell phone company’s website to pay my bill, and low and behold, BlackBerries were buy one get one free.  Hmm. I actually used to work for the company, so I know that if you call into customer service you can order equipment and have it billed to the account.  Turns out my next bill is due two days after my birthday.  I would have the money.  HMM.  Next thing you know, I’m looking through the Sunday paper (something I never do on a regular basis, if ever) because my brother-in-law happened to be on the cover.  What, literally, is the first thing I see?  A full page color add for the FREAKING BLACKBERRY.

We got our phones that afternoon.

It’s been going the same for some other things.  Seems like I throw ideas out into the Universe and I’m getting big ol’ signs thrown right back.  I’ve been thinking about moving to a different city.  Everyone I talk to and everything I look at is talking about that place.

I starting writing here, wanting to explore my feelings on sex/gender/relationships/kink… so many of my friends lately.. even good friends that I already think I would know everything about.. are suddenly revealing their own interests in kink and wanting to talk.  It’s been really crazy.

And affirming.

So for now, I’m taking these coincidences as a positive, and looking for more.  It feels good to be open to what comes next.

The blur wasn't intentional, but I'm kind of in love with the effect.

Work was hard today. I came home and crashed almost immediately.  I got dressed up for a party later on, and something inspired me to pull out my camera.  Something seemed to inspire Eli as well, and I’m thinking I’ll have a story (of the steamy variety) to share come tomorrow.

Happy weekend.

So it looks like the beginning of March will mark the true birth of The Femme Domestic.  I’m excited about the possibilities this all brings, and about the statements I’m now ready to make about who I am and what I want.

The big struggle for me lately has been attempting to let down the walls that keep me from being who I really want to be.  Emotional walls, of course, are only the result of fear, and I’ve been forcing myself to look at those fears head on.  I battle shame, jealousy, and self-doubt.  I’m working to reverse these feelings.

There’s a magnet on my refrigerator with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I bought it on a whim one day, but soon after realized that it wasn’t a coincidence that I had been drawn to it.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… Do the thing you think you cannot do.”

So, what is that thing for me?  Well, I’ve never thought that I could say out loud that I prefer to be dominated in bed.  I never thought that I could declare without shame that being tied up turns me on.  I never thought that I would seriously consider the idea of sharing my sex life (as well as my emotional life) with people that I didn’t know.  Admitting these fears almost makes me feel a bit prudish, but the truth is I’ve been closed up tight about all of these things for years, and I’m casting it off now.

These are now things that I’m somewhat eager to do.  I want to learn more about myself.  I want to stretch my boundaries.  I want to tear down the walls.

mmmm... home.

It has only been recently that I’ve attempted to make myself comfortable in the kitchen.  Eli has a passion for cooking that I’ve never had.. I’ve had more anxiety over making something that doesn’t go right or tastes like crud no matter how hard I work.  I made a decision, though, sometime towards the start of the year to change my attitude towards cooking and food in general.  I love to create/make/craft, and so I’ve tried to look at cooking more like a craft than a chore.  I did some reading, tried a few recipes, and… So far so good.  I’m doing better.  I’m enjoying.  I’m playing out my little housewife fantasy just a little bit more than I was, and that is very satisfying.

INFURIATING.

Read more here.

So, why is that so hard? Well — it is, of course, hard for a huge portion of our population — and for me, I’ve had more than a few things stacked heavily against me. I was born and raised (and still live) in The Bible Belt, the middle child in an extremely religious (Christian) family. I’m a P.K., or preacher’s kid, who was told at fifteen that if she ever got knocked up out of wedlock her father would have to RESIGN HIS JOB. This would strike fear in the heart of any kid, especially one who is already realizing she’d rather kiss the girls than the boys.

Kissing boys was something I did, though. I kissed girls as a teenager, but mostly I kissed boys. When I moved out of my parents’ house, I immediately came out to everyone outside my family as bisexual. A few years and a few women’s studies courses later, I came out as a lesbian who occasionally slept with men. Next came the realization that I preferred (and was mainly attracted to) butch women as lovers.

Now, I’m in my late twenties. I have been with my incredible girlfriend for over two years, and I’ve got some more coming out to do. I identify not only as a lesbian/dyke, but as a femme. I am primarily attracted to butch women. I am a sexual submissive who is constantly wanted to know (and experience) more of the world of BDSM.

I have so much more to learn.

Now, at this point, you may thinking, “why pin yourself down with so many labels?” I completely understand (and in many instances believe to be true) that labels can be restrictive. For me, however, this journey is about self-awareness and freedom. There is SO MUCH out there that I have yet to encounter, and I want to be OUT THERE finding all that I can. I am looking for teachers and friends. I am looking to be turned on, and in some cases, I am looking to turn you on.

I want to write it all down.

Now — The Femme Domestic is not only about sex. It is also about my homelife and my education. It is about my love for handcrafts and the correlation I feel between creating things and my expression of self/gender. It is about my over the top affection for my pets. It is a place to showcase what I have made as well as what I have learned. The Femme Domestic is me, and I want to thank you for joining in.